Pain free? I can dream, right?
The past few months I have been dealing with my newest medical diagnosis - sacroilitis. After my doc did an MRI on my left hip (where I was having considerable pain) it was discovered that I have "extensive, permanent" damage to my sacroiliac joint. In layman's terms - I have an extreme pain in the ass. My rheumatologist referred me to pain management for treatment. They gave me an SI injection, a steroid injection straight into the SI joint. It was quite uncomfortable and in the end, didn't help enough to make me want to go through the procedure again.
So, here I am, back to being in pain. A pain that can't be fixed with any kind of treatment. It's one thing to have pain from an RA flare. With that, I know that eventually there will be a treatment that will relieve it, whether it is increasing my steroids or juggling my various medications. With this though, this is permanent. Talk about discouraging! Every day is ruled by my ability to deal with the pain. How much can I stand today? Sit? Bend? Drive? All of those things cause pain. Sometimes, laying down helps. Other times, it is when I lay down that the muscles decide to spasm and cramp. Sometimes heat or cold helps, other times it does nothing. The only thing that helps take the edge off? Pain meds.
Thank God for my medications. There are times when I get very stubborn and decide (much to my husband's chagrin) that I am not going to take my pain meds. Just to prove to myself that I can get through a day, or a night, without them. I always get through, just not pleasantly. The truth is, I need my pain medications. They don't completely relieve my pain, it is an ever present part of me. But, they take the edge off just enough for me to function. There are times when I want to weep with gratitude when the medication finally kicks in and I feel this overall peace and relief.
Does that make me an addict? I really don't care.
I am doing what I need to do to get through the next few minutes, the next hour, the entire day. I am doing what I need to do so that I can be the mother and wife that God has called me to be. I try so hard to keep a smile on my face, to walk without a limp, to hug my children without crying out in pain. I am not always successful at all of that, but with managing my pain in the only way I can, at least I know I am successful part of the time.
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