I am not normally too serious or morose, but today is a sad anniversary. Thirteen years ago, my older brother Gabe passed away very suddenly. I often find myself wanting to talk to him, so I decided that today, I would write him a letter. If you like, you are welcome to read it too. Maybe you will be able to get a glimpse of him and know how much he is loved and missed.
Gabe,
Thirteen years ago today, my life changed. For the first time, my heart was truly broken, never to be the same. You left us. Without a goodbye. A part of me is still so angry that you are gone. You were there for all these important events in my life and then suddenly, there is an emptiness.
When Dad called to tell me, I couldn't even figure out what he was saying.
He was very blunt - "Gabe died."
I said, "Who?"
I was sure I had heard him wrong. He had to repeat himself a few times before it sank in. He had to say "Gabe, your brother," before it registered.
The next few hours, days, weeks, are all just a blur. Trying to get a hold of people who should know, comforting others, being comforted. It was all in a daze. Having to plan your funeral (which turned into an ugly family fight), figuring out how to explain to your little girl, joking about how many women were going to show up at the funeral and throw themselves on the coffin. The shock, the pain, the disbelief. I would look around at everyone - the aunts, uncles, cousins - and I kept looking for you. There was a blinding rage in me. I was mad at you, I was mad at God, I was mad at the EMT's for not saving you, I was mad at your girlfriend for not taking better care of you, I was just MAD!
Of course, mixed with all the anger was a healthy dose of denial. The phone would ring on my birthday and I would expect to hear your voice apologizing for forgetting to get me a present. I would see someone in the mall that looked like you and I would hesitate and do a double take. I would make up outrageous stories in my head, stories where you never really died. But, denial is short lived.
I often wonder what you would think of my life today. Would you be shocked that I have FOUR kids? I know you would adore them. Sebastian reminds me so much of you. You would have so much fun playing with them, teasing them, teaching them, just like you always did for me.
Would you be surprised that I came back to the Church? Who would have thought that the know it all college girl who didn't have a need for religion would end up married to a future Deacon? You may be surprised, but I think you would also be happy. You were always a man of great faith and you tried so hard to get me to understand how important it was.
It is because of your great faith that I can write this letter, write the thoughts and feelings that are inside me, and know that our Lord shares them with you. I know that we will meet again, in our eternal life. But be prepared - I will probably need to give you a good punch on the arm since I am still mad at you for leaving too soon.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Unexpected Adventures
It seems that someone in the Schalow family must have recently prayed for some patience or strength or something that involved us all being sorely tested.
On this last Tuesday morning, we set out for a small vacation up to the Mineral King area of Sequoia. Jason and I had camped there about 15 years ago and we loved it. This time around, rather than camping, we stayed in a cabin in Silver City, just a few miles from the end of Mineral King road. Our cabin check in was for 3:00, but with Jason driving we got into the area much earlier than expected. We decided to go into the main park and take the kids to see the General Sherman tree. A few miles up the twisty mountain road our transmission started to slip. It happened maybe once or twice then quickly shifted into gear. Then, it stopped wanting to shift into gear at all. We pulled over as soon as we found a turnout. As soon as we stopped and turned the car off, smoke started seeping from under the hood and transmission fluid was pouring out the bottom. Not good, to say the least. And of course, no cell signal.
After a few minutes, a nice couple pulled over to help and offered to find a ranger for us. Once the ranger arrived, they had to arrange, via radio with the dispatch, a tow truck plus something to do with all of us who won't fit in the tow truck. It was finally decided that Jason and Darian would ride with the tow truck and the rest of the kids and I would catch a ride with the rangers down to the visitor center at the bottom of the mountain. Once there, we waited, and waited, and waited. After about an hour and a half, the tow truck was nice enough to drop Darian with us on the way out of the park. They had to take the van all the way into Visalia. The driver was very nice and even called the garage ahead of time to ask them to wait for him since it was getting close to closing on the day before a holiday. Our tentative plan was for Jason to accompany the van, get it dropped off, and hopefully find a car rental (with a car big enough for all of us) to come get us. We waited. And waited. And waited. Still no cell signal, so no way for me to know what was going on with Jason. The Visitor Center shop closed. We were still waiting. I sat there imaging worst case scenarios - The garage was closed and they had to find somewhere else, the car rental place was closed, they didn't have any cars to fit all of us, something was wrong with Jason's credit card and they wouldn't rent him a car. After about 4 hours, Jason finally showed up in a very nice rental van and we were able to proceed to Mineral King. Not an easy feat in itself, since the road to Mineral King, although only 24 miles long, is so steep and poorly maintained that it actually takes at least an hour and a half to get up there. A nerve wracking drive, but completely worth the stress.
At this point, we only had reservations to stay until Thursday. But, we weren't going to hear anything on the car until Thursday and they had already advised us that it would take a day or so to fix. Fortunately, they were able to extend our reservation through to Saturday, so we got a few extra vacation days. We had a wonderful, peaceful cabin to stay in and we all fell in love with the area. We went hiking (even me!) and saw so many beautiful things. On Thursday, we got the bad news that the transmission had burned out (not a surprise considering the amount of smoke we say coming from under the hood). Our cheapest (and for us only) option was to have them rebuild the transmission. A cost of a couple thousand dollars and four business days. A disappointment to say the least, but we did our best not to let it ruin a great vacation.
On Thursday afternoon we took the kids into the main park to see the Sequioas. Since nothing is easy, there was road construction that caused hour long delays. Four excited kids parked in the road on the side of a mountain waiting for construction delays - not fun! Once we made it up, it was beautiful. My family often camped in Sequoia when I was younger, but I hadn't been to the main park since I was maybe 12. It's still gorgeous! We parked and took the tram out to Moro rock. Jason and the kids climbed to the top. I only made it halfway when my knees decided they would go no further. Once back down, we hopped back on the tram to the Giant Forest area and did a little over a mile hike. By the time we were done, we were all exhausted and ready to get some dinner. Once we got back down the mountain (with "only" 20 minute delays) we stopped at the first restaurant we saw. Way more pricey that planned, but delicious food. A quick stop for gas and back up the other side of the mountain to Mineral King. Finally arrived back at the cabin around 10:30.
Friday we decided to hike from one of the nearby campgrounds to a bridge over the Kaweah river. It was a nice hike, not to steep, all through forest. We kept watching for bears and deer, but all we saw were arguing squirrels. Quite the disappointment since some other hikers we ran into had seen a bear on the trail earlier. We made it to the bridge and decided to do a little rock hopping to get closer to the water. All was fine, until Jason slipped on one of the rocks and fell into the water. The water was rushing quickly and we were fairly close to the edge where there was a waterfall. The water wasn't deep, but very cold. Jason needed help and in my rush, I also fell, fortunately on my very padded behind so no injury to me. But, my feet and ankles got in the water and then the girls and Sebastian all started freaking out and screaming hysterically. Darian and I were trying to get Jason out of the water, the little ones are in hysterics and I'm yelling at them to calm down. I can't imagine why we didn't see more wildlife. I can look back and laugh now. I don't think Jason is laughing yet though. His shoes may still be wet.
Thank goodness for rental cars with unlimited mileage. We had a nice drive home in our very nice rental van. Tomorrow, we will go pick up the dogs from the Schalow grandparents and sometime Thursday or Friday Jason will drive the rental back up to Visalia and hopefully pick up our newly fixed van. So goes the Schalow adventures for the summer of 2012. Pictures to follow when I have time to post them all.
On this last Tuesday morning, we set out for a small vacation up to the Mineral King area of Sequoia. Jason and I had camped there about 15 years ago and we loved it. This time around, rather than camping, we stayed in a cabin in Silver City, just a few miles from the end of Mineral King road. Our cabin check in was for 3:00, but with Jason driving we got into the area much earlier than expected. We decided to go into the main park and take the kids to see the General Sherman tree. A few miles up the twisty mountain road our transmission started to slip. It happened maybe once or twice then quickly shifted into gear. Then, it stopped wanting to shift into gear at all. We pulled over as soon as we found a turnout. As soon as we stopped and turned the car off, smoke started seeping from under the hood and transmission fluid was pouring out the bottom. Not good, to say the least. And of course, no cell signal.
After a few minutes, a nice couple pulled over to help and offered to find a ranger for us. Once the ranger arrived, they had to arrange, via radio with the dispatch, a tow truck plus something to do with all of us who won't fit in the tow truck. It was finally decided that Jason and Darian would ride with the tow truck and the rest of the kids and I would catch a ride with the rangers down to the visitor center at the bottom of the mountain. Once there, we waited, and waited, and waited. After about an hour and a half, the tow truck was nice enough to drop Darian with us on the way out of the park. They had to take the van all the way into Visalia. The driver was very nice and even called the garage ahead of time to ask them to wait for him since it was getting close to closing on the day before a holiday. Our tentative plan was for Jason to accompany the van, get it dropped off, and hopefully find a car rental (with a car big enough for all of us) to come get us. We waited. And waited. And waited. Still no cell signal, so no way for me to know what was going on with Jason. The Visitor Center shop closed. We were still waiting. I sat there imaging worst case scenarios - The garage was closed and they had to find somewhere else, the car rental place was closed, they didn't have any cars to fit all of us, something was wrong with Jason's credit card and they wouldn't rent him a car. After about 4 hours, Jason finally showed up in a very nice rental van and we were able to proceed to Mineral King. Not an easy feat in itself, since the road to Mineral King, although only 24 miles long, is so steep and poorly maintained that it actually takes at least an hour and a half to get up there. A nerve wracking drive, but completely worth the stress.
At this point, we only had reservations to stay until Thursday. But, we weren't going to hear anything on the car until Thursday and they had already advised us that it would take a day or so to fix. Fortunately, they were able to extend our reservation through to Saturday, so we got a few extra vacation days. We had a wonderful, peaceful cabin to stay in and we all fell in love with the area. We went hiking (even me!) and saw so many beautiful things. On Thursday, we got the bad news that the transmission had burned out (not a surprise considering the amount of smoke we say coming from under the hood). Our cheapest (and for us only) option was to have them rebuild the transmission. A cost of a couple thousand dollars and four business days. A disappointment to say the least, but we did our best not to let it ruin a great vacation.
On Thursday afternoon we took the kids into the main park to see the Sequioas. Since nothing is easy, there was road construction that caused hour long delays. Four excited kids parked in the road on the side of a mountain waiting for construction delays - not fun! Once we made it up, it was beautiful. My family often camped in Sequoia when I was younger, but I hadn't been to the main park since I was maybe 12. It's still gorgeous! We parked and took the tram out to Moro rock. Jason and the kids climbed to the top. I only made it halfway when my knees decided they would go no further. Once back down, we hopped back on the tram to the Giant Forest area and did a little over a mile hike. By the time we were done, we were all exhausted and ready to get some dinner. Once we got back down the mountain (with "only" 20 minute delays) we stopped at the first restaurant we saw. Way more pricey that planned, but delicious food. A quick stop for gas and back up the other side of the mountain to Mineral King. Finally arrived back at the cabin around 10:30.
Friday we decided to hike from one of the nearby campgrounds to a bridge over the Kaweah river. It was a nice hike, not to steep, all through forest. We kept watching for bears and deer, but all we saw were arguing squirrels. Quite the disappointment since some other hikers we ran into had seen a bear on the trail earlier. We made it to the bridge and decided to do a little rock hopping to get closer to the water. All was fine, until Jason slipped on one of the rocks and fell into the water. The water was rushing quickly and we were fairly close to the edge where there was a waterfall. The water wasn't deep, but very cold. Jason needed help and in my rush, I also fell, fortunately on my very padded behind so no injury to me. But, my feet and ankles got in the water and then the girls and Sebastian all started freaking out and screaming hysterically. Darian and I were trying to get Jason out of the water, the little ones are in hysterics and I'm yelling at them to calm down. I can't imagine why we didn't see more wildlife. I can look back and laugh now. I don't think Jason is laughing yet though. His shoes may still be wet.
Thank goodness for rental cars with unlimited mileage. We had a nice drive home in our very nice rental van. Tomorrow, we will go pick up the dogs from the Schalow grandparents and sometime Thursday or Friday Jason will drive the rental back up to Visalia and hopefully pick up our newly fixed van. So goes the Schalow adventures for the summer of 2012. Pictures to follow when I have time to post them all.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Blessed
I am a blessed person. I have a wonderful husband and beautiful children. I have a home, cars, and my husband has a job that allows me to stay home and care for everyone. Not a day goes by that I am not thankful for all the blessings God has given me. Would I say that God blessed me with chronic pain? No, I don't think I would go that far.
You see, I believe in a God who loves me. Similar to how I love my children. Would I want my children to have chronic pain? Heck NO! I would not wish chronic pain on my worst enemy and I certainly don't believe that God would wish it for any of his children. God does, however, allow my suffering. In the end, my suffering will benefit me, my family, my friends, and who knows who else. Much in the way that we sometimes need to let our children suffer for them to learn and grow, so God allows my suffering in order for me to learn and grow into the person he needs me to be.
I have certainly experienced many blessings as a result of my illnesses. I have made some incredible friends who suffer the same diseases I do. We commiserate and understand each other. I have a new appreciation for simple things. I don't take any kind of physical activity for granted. It is a red letter day when I can do housework without extreme pain. My illness has brought my family closer together. They are far more appreciative of me when I am able to do things, and my children are learning a compassion and caring that I don't think any other situation would have taught them. My children are all growing up to be great helpers and to understand how to be "gentle" when mommy doesn't feel good. Their understanding of caring for the sick certainly helped this last summer when we were all helping my friend Suzanne. I don't think they would have been half as understanding of all we needed to do if they hadn't already experienced so much of that at home. The more I type, the more I realize that I cannot possibly list all the blessing that have come from my chronic pain.
Even after all the blessings, I still pray every day for this to be taken from me. I never find myself saying, "Thanks God, for that excruciating pain in my hip today!" Instead, my comments run toward, "O.K. God, that was a really painful day. Can we not do that again tomorrow?" So far, the answer has been no. But, you never know if you don't ask. I will continue to ask. And if the answer continues to be no, I will carry on as best I can and be thankful for all the true blessing in my life.
"Jesus suffers to carry out the will of the Father. And you, who also want to carry out the most holy will of God, following the steps of the Master, can you complain if you meet suffering on your way?"
- St. Josemaria, The Way #213
You see, I believe in a God who loves me. Similar to how I love my children. Would I want my children to have chronic pain? Heck NO! I would not wish chronic pain on my worst enemy and I certainly don't believe that God would wish it for any of his children. God does, however, allow my suffering. In the end, my suffering will benefit me, my family, my friends, and who knows who else. Much in the way that we sometimes need to let our children suffer for them to learn and grow, so God allows my suffering in order for me to learn and grow into the person he needs me to be.
I have certainly experienced many blessings as a result of my illnesses. I have made some incredible friends who suffer the same diseases I do. We commiserate and understand each other. I have a new appreciation for simple things. I don't take any kind of physical activity for granted. It is a red letter day when I can do housework without extreme pain. My illness has brought my family closer together. They are far more appreciative of me when I am able to do things, and my children are learning a compassion and caring that I don't think any other situation would have taught them. My children are all growing up to be great helpers and to understand how to be "gentle" when mommy doesn't feel good. Their understanding of caring for the sick certainly helped this last summer when we were all helping my friend Suzanne. I don't think they would have been half as understanding of all we needed to do if they hadn't already experienced so much of that at home. The more I type, the more I realize that I cannot possibly list all the blessing that have come from my chronic pain.
Even after all the blessings, I still pray every day for this to be taken from me. I never find myself saying, "Thanks God, for that excruciating pain in my hip today!" Instead, my comments run toward, "O.K. God, that was a really painful day. Can we not do that again tomorrow?" So far, the answer has been no. But, you never know if you don't ask. I will continue to ask. And if the answer continues to be no, I will carry on as best I can and be thankful for all the true blessing in my life.
"Jesus suffers to carry out the will of the Father. And you, who also want to carry out the most holy will of God, following the steps of the Master, can you complain if you meet suffering on your way?"
- St. Josemaria, The Way #213
Monday, January 2, 2012
A Pain Free 2012!
Pain free? I can dream, right?
The past few months I have been dealing with my newest medical diagnosis - sacroilitis. After my doc did an MRI on my left hip (where I was having considerable pain) it was discovered that I have "extensive, permanent" damage to my sacroiliac joint. In layman's terms - I have an extreme pain in the ass. My rheumatologist referred me to pain management for treatment. They gave me an SI injection, a steroid injection straight into the SI joint. It was quite uncomfortable and in the end, didn't help enough to make me want to go through the procedure again.
So, here I am, back to being in pain. A pain that can't be fixed with any kind of treatment. It's one thing to have pain from an RA flare. With that, I know that eventually there will be a treatment that will relieve it, whether it is increasing my steroids or juggling my various medications. With this though, this is permanent. Talk about discouraging! Every day is ruled by my ability to deal with the pain. How much can I stand today? Sit? Bend? Drive? All of those things cause pain. Sometimes, laying down helps. Other times, it is when I lay down that the muscles decide to spasm and cramp. Sometimes heat or cold helps, other times it does nothing. The only thing that helps take the edge off? Pain meds.
Thank God for my medications. There are times when I get very stubborn and decide (much to my husband's chagrin) that I am not going to take my pain meds. Just to prove to myself that I can get through a day, or a night, without them. I always get through, just not pleasantly. The truth is, I need my pain medications. They don't completely relieve my pain, it is an ever present part of me. But, they take the edge off just enough for me to function. There are times when I want to weep with gratitude when the medication finally kicks in and I feel this overall peace and relief.
Does that make me an addict? I really don't care.
I am doing what I need to do to get through the next few minutes, the next hour, the entire day. I am doing what I need to do so that I can be the mother and wife that God has called me to be. I try so hard to keep a smile on my face, to walk without a limp, to hug my children without crying out in pain. I am not always successful at all of that, but with managing my pain in the only way I can, at least I know I am successful part of the time.
The past few months I have been dealing with my newest medical diagnosis - sacroilitis. After my doc did an MRI on my left hip (where I was having considerable pain) it was discovered that I have "extensive, permanent" damage to my sacroiliac joint. In layman's terms - I have an extreme pain in the ass. My rheumatologist referred me to pain management for treatment. They gave me an SI injection, a steroid injection straight into the SI joint. It was quite uncomfortable and in the end, didn't help enough to make me want to go through the procedure again.
So, here I am, back to being in pain. A pain that can't be fixed with any kind of treatment. It's one thing to have pain from an RA flare. With that, I know that eventually there will be a treatment that will relieve it, whether it is increasing my steroids or juggling my various medications. With this though, this is permanent. Talk about discouraging! Every day is ruled by my ability to deal with the pain. How much can I stand today? Sit? Bend? Drive? All of those things cause pain. Sometimes, laying down helps. Other times, it is when I lay down that the muscles decide to spasm and cramp. Sometimes heat or cold helps, other times it does nothing. The only thing that helps take the edge off? Pain meds.
Thank God for my medications. There are times when I get very stubborn and decide (much to my husband's chagrin) that I am not going to take my pain meds. Just to prove to myself that I can get through a day, or a night, without them. I always get through, just not pleasantly. The truth is, I need my pain medications. They don't completely relieve my pain, it is an ever present part of me. But, they take the edge off just enough for me to function. There are times when I want to weep with gratitude when the medication finally kicks in and I feel this overall peace and relief.
Does that make me an addict? I really don't care.
I am doing what I need to do to get through the next few minutes, the next hour, the entire day. I am doing what I need to do so that I can be the mother and wife that God has called me to be. I try so hard to keep a smile on my face, to walk without a limp, to hug my children without crying out in pain. I am not always successful at all of that, but with managing my pain in the only way I can, at least I know I am successful part of the time.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Surviving
Surviving seems to be what I am doing best these days. I am taking every day as it comes, and doing my best to be what I need to be. Whether it is caretaker for a friend, housekeeper, laundress, dishwasher, babysitter, wife, mom, etc. I am wearing many hats. Fortunately, the hats seem to be fitting fairly well!
We have completed our first week back at school. I am now the mom of a fifth grader, a second grader, a kindergartener and a junior kindergartener. Yikes!
Everyone is loving their new teachers and even Vibiana isn't too upset about having to be at school without Sebastian. Sebastian, my kindergartener, is having a wonderful time. Every day this week, when I ask him how his day was, the response is always "Awesome!" So glad to hear it. This is Sebastian with his two best buddies, the three amigos.
As far as my health goes, I am... maintaining. I had a horrible RA flare a few months back and at that time it was discovered that I also have Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS). AS is essentially RA in the back/spine and is quite painful. Treatment is the same as RA, so my doc just upped my meds a bit and I was feeling great. I have spent all summer feeling better than ever. Then, my liver started misbehaving so we had to reduce one of my fairly crucial meds. I am now not feeling so hot, but manageable. Hopefully, after a few normal liver tests, I will be able to increase my meds to feel better again.
I am, thankfully, able to spend a lot of time with Suzanne during this period of recovery. She completed her whole brain radiation and we now have to wait until November to see if it reduced the tumors. In the meantime, she had a PET scan and got the best scan results she has ever had. No new or troublesome spots anywhere. Praise God! Please keep those prayers coming.
The next few weeks will be back to our "normal" busy. Darian is starting cross country, I think I may start Sophia in gymnastics, and I will be kept occupied with my duties as Kindergarten head room mom. It's going to be a great school year!!
We have completed our first week back at school. I am now the mom of a fifth grader, a second grader, a kindergartener and a junior kindergartener. Yikes!
Everyone is loving their new teachers and even Vibiana isn't too upset about having to be at school without Sebastian. Sebastian, my kindergartener, is having a wonderful time. Every day this week, when I ask him how his day was, the response is always "Awesome!" So glad to hear it. This is Sebastian with his two best buddies, the three amigos.
As far as my health goes, I am... maintaining. I had a horrible RA flare a few months back and at that time it was discovered that I also have Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS). AS is essentially RA in the back/spine and is quite painful. Treatment is the same as RA, so my doc just upped my meds a bit and I was feeling great. I have spent all summer feeling better than ever. Then, my liver started misbehaving so we had to reduce one of my fairly crucial meds. I am now not feeling so hot, but manageable. Hopefully, after a few normal liver tests, I will be able to increase my meds to feel better again.
I am, thankfully, able to spend a lot of time with Suzanne during this period of recovery. She completed her whole brain radiation and we now have to wait until November to see if it reduced the tumors. In the meantime, she had a PET scan and got the best scan results she has ever had. No new or troublesome spots anywhere. Praise God! Please keep those prayers coming.
The next few weeks will be back to our "normal" busy. Darian is starting cross country, I think I may start Sophia in gymnastics, and I will be kept occupied with my duties as Kindergarten head room mom. It's going to be a great school year!!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
I am so blessed
I know I haven't posted in quite awhile now. I have no good excuse, and I will not muddy up this post for my pithy little reasons for laziness. I will save all that for another post.
Many of you know that my dear friend Suzanne has been successfully battling breast cancer for the last 18 months (you can follow her blog here). A few months ago, she had a flare up in her ribs and spine that was treated with radiation. Radiation was successful. However, recently, we have had a huge setback. Last week, an MRI revealed 15 tumors in her brain. She had been on a miracle trial drug, TDM1, but this advancement has kicked her off the trial. She is now on Decadron, Tykerb, and whole brain radiation. At the beginning of this new phase of treatment the doctor warned her that she was going to feel miserable, lose all her hair (which until now she had been able to keep), and not be able to care for her children for about 4 months. Within days, Suzanne began to really feel the effects.
From the moment we learned of her diagnosis, our community has banded together to offer any and all kids of help. One friend set up a website (on Mealtrain) to schedule meals. As of today, this family will have meals halfway through September. Suzanne has been inundated with calls, texts, and emails of well wishes, prayers, and many offerings of help. We are asking anyone and everyone to please pray for her. Jason has written a beautiful guide for a holy hour dedicated to Suzanne's healing. You can find it here. With school quickly approaching, we had one friend offer to do the school supply shopping. For 5 school age kids, that is no small task!
As for my own part in all of this, I have taken on the role of personal assistant. I am handling scheduling, driving when needed, and general help. I have been driving Suzanne to UCLA about once a week for a couple of months now for her treatments. Right now, I am with her far more often, and honestly, I couldn't be happier.
Sounds odd, doesn't it? Hanging out with my (potentially) terminally ill friend is a good time? In reality, it is. Not to say that it isn't difficult, especially seeing her with her children. Sometimes, it will suddenly blindside me that these beautiful children may not have their mother for much longer. But, then I look at the example that she is setting for all of us, and I am overwhelmed with a feeling of being so blessed. Blessed to be her friend, blessed to be able to help her and her family through this difficult time. I know she is concerned about me getting burned out, but I am truly so glad to be able to help her. As difficult as the situation is, Suzanne and her family bring me an incredible amount of joy.
And I'm not scared for her. Obviously, I am praying for a complete healing. But, there is also the harsh reality that she may not be with us by the end of the year. While it brings me grief, I know that the grief is for us here and her children, not for her. She is the most beautiful soul I know, and I have no doubts that she will be in eternal happiness and joy when she leaves this world.
Please forgive me if my posts are sparse over the next few months. God is calling me to be with Suzanne as much as possible, so that's where I will be.
Many of you know that my dear friend Suzanne has been successfully battling breast cancer for the last 18 months (you can follow her blog here). A few months ago, she had a flare up in her ribs and spine that was treated with radiation. Radiation was successful. However, recently, we have had a huge setback. Last week, an MRI revealed 15 tumors in her brain. She had been on a miracle trial drug, TDM1, but this advancement has kicked her off the trial. She is now on Decadron, Tykerb, and whole brain radiation. At the beginning of this new phase of treatment the doctor warned her that she was going to feel miserable, lose all her hair (which until now she had been able to keep), and not be able to care for her children for about 4 months. Within days, Suzanne began to really feel the effects.
From the moment we learned of her diagnosis, our community has banded together to offer any and all kids of help. One friend set up a website (on Mealtrain) to schedule meals. As of today, this family will have meals halfway through September. Suzanne has been inundated with calls, texts, and emails of well wishes, prayers, and many offerings of help. We are asking anyone and everyone to please pray for her. Jason has written a beautiful guide for a holy hour dedicated to Suzanne's healing. You can find it here. With school quickly approaching, we had one friend offer to do the school supply shopping. For 5 school age kids, that is no small task!
As for my own part in all of this, I have taken on the role of personal assistant. I am handling scheduling, driving when needed, and general help. I have been driving Suzanne to UCLA about once a week for a couple of months now for her treatments. Right now, I am with her far more often, and honestly, I couldn't be happier.
Sounds odd, doesn't it? Hanging out with my (potentially) terminally ill friend is a good time? In reality, it is. Not to say that it isn't difficult, especially seeing her with her children. Sometimes, it will suddenly blindside me that these beautiful children may not have their mother for much longer. But, then I look at the example that she is setting for all of us, and I am overwhelmed with a feeling of being so blessed. Blessed to be her friend, blessed to be able to help her and her family through this difficult time. I know she is concerned about me getting burned out, but I am truly so glad to be able to help her. As difficult as the situation is, Suzanne and her family bring me an incredible amount of joy.
And I'm not scared for her. Obviously, I am praying for a complete healing. But, there is also the harsh reality that she may not be with us by the end of the year. While it brings me grief, I know that the grief is for us here and her children, not for her. She is the most beautiful soul I know, and I have no doubts that she will be in eternal happiness and joy when she leaves this world.
Please forgive me if my posts are sparse over the next few months. God is calling me to be with Suzanne as much as possible, so that's where I will be.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Punishment? What about Love?
I haven't blogged in quite a while. It isn't that the blog has been abandoned or because I gave it up for Lent, it's just that my Lent ended up being a tad more hectic that I had originally planned. Funny how that works. I had all sorts of plans for my own sacrifices and mortifications for Lent, but starting Ash Wednesday, God clearly laughed at my plans and set His own in motion.
My number one project/ministry has been helping a very good friend of mine who is in a highly abusive marriage. I won't give details, because some readers know her and she isn't quite ready to face the world with her problems yet. She is a wonderful, loving person and an incredible mother. However, she has spent so many years being told the opposite, that she has come to believe it. Like nearly all abusive relationships, she has been on this roller coaster of emotions - when things are great they are great, but when things are bad they are really bad. She has developed her method of coping, which has been to convince herself when things are good, that the bad wasn't really that bad. On Ash Wednesday she called me, in near hysterics, after they had a fight. The things that he said to her, the emotional abuse involved, finally convinced my friend that she needed to seek help. I had been encouraging her for months and months to see a good, Catholic counselor that I knew, and she finally called me for the information to set up her appointment.
From there, it has been an extremely painful, emotional process for both of us. The more details I learn (and I knew quite a bit before) the more horrified I am that someone could actually treat their wife and children so disgustingly. And still, she stays. Still, she questions if things are really that bad. Still, she claims to love him. There are some breaks in the armor, some scales falling from her eyes, but it is a slow and (for me) frustrating process. Here is a woman, so beautiful inside and out, so loving and caring, so willing to give everything that she has for her family and friends, and so horribly abused by the one person who should be willing to give her everything in return.
One of the statements she made to me recently, which just broke a piece of my heart, was that she felt that all these years, all this abuse, was God's punishment to her for some of her decisions and actions from before she was married. Her husband, of course, knows of these actions and continually throws them in her face during arguments, and sometimes just makes snide comments even when they are not arguing.
How can I get her to understand that God is not punishing her, that He loves her? It's such an ingrained, basic part of my faith, that GOD IS LOVE, that I have a hard time understanding anyone not understanding that. Especially today, on this Good Friday, when God gave us everything through his Son. All the love and forgiveness in the entire universe was given to us on this day. The greatest gift, the greatest sacrifice, all for us undeserving people. None of our mistakes matter, none of our past actions matter, because our Lord died on that cross for us. He loves us enough that he was tortured and killed for OUR mistakes. He loves each and every one of us so much so as to have given us everything he had, not only here on earth, but He continues to give us everything from his place in Heaven. All we have to do is trust in Him and He will provide for us. The provisions may not be what we thought we wanted, and they may come in unexpected packages, but through our Lord we are promised to be loved and provided for.
"You are full of weaknesses. Every day you see them more clearly. But don't let them frighten you. He well knows you can't yield more fruit.
Your involuntary falls - those of a child - show your Father God that he must take more care, and your Mother Mary that she must never let you go from her loving hand. Each day, as our Lord picks you up from the ground, take advantage of it, embrace him with all your strength and lay your wearied head on his open breast so that you'll be carried away by the beating of his most loving heart."
- St. Josemaria Escriva, The Way #884
My number one project/ministry has been helping a very good friend of mine who is in a highly abusive marriage. I won't give details, because some readers know her and she isn't quite ready to face the world with her problems yet. She is a wonderful, loving person and an incredible mother. However, she has spent so many years being told the opposite, that she has come to believe it. Like nearly all abusive relationships, she has been on this roller coaster of emotions - when things are great they are great, but when things are bad they are really bad. She has developed her method of coping, which has been to convince herself when things are good, that the bad wasn't really that bad. On Ash Wednesday she called me, in near hysterics, after they had a fight. The things that he said to her, the emotional abuse involved, finally convinced my friend that she needed to seek help. I had been encouraging her for months and months to see a good, Catholic counselor that I knew, and she finally called me for the information to set up her appointment.
From there, it has been an extremely painful, emotional process for both of us. The more details I learn (and I knew quite a bit before) the more horrified I am that someone could actually treat their wife and children so disgustingly. And still, she stays. Still, she questions if things are really that bad. Still, she claims to love him. There are some breaks in the armor, some scales falling from her eyes, but it is a slow and (for me) frustrating process. Here is a woman, so beautiful inside and out, so loving and caring, so willing to give everything that she has for her family and friends, and so horribly abused by the one person who should be willing to give her everything in return.
One of the statements she made to me recently, which just broke a piece of my heart, was that she felt that all these years, all this abuse, was God's punishment to her for some of her decisions and actions from before she was married. Her husband, of course, knows of these actions and continually throws them in her face during arguments, and sometimes just makes snide comments even when they are not arguing.
How can I get her to understand that God is not punishing her, that He loves her? It's such an ingrained, basic part of my faith, that GOD IS LOVE, that I have a hard time understanding anyone not understanding that. Especially today, on this Good Friday, when God gave us everything through his Son. All the love and forgiveness in the entire universe was given to us on this day. The greatest gift, the greatest sacrifice, all for us undeserving people. None of our mistakes matter, none of our past actions matter, because our Lord died on that cross for us. He loves us enough that he was tortured and killed for OUR mistakes. He loves each and every one of us so much so as to have given us everything he had, not only here on earth, but He continues to give us everything from his place in Heaven. All we have to do is trust in Him and He will provide for us. The provisions may not be what we thought we wanted, and they may come in unexpected packages, but through our Lord we are promised to be loved and provided for.
"You are full of weaknesses. Every day you see them more clearly. But don't let them frighten you. He well knows you can't yield more fruit.
Your involuntary falls - those of a child - show your Father God that he must take more care, and your Mother Mary that she must never let you go from her loving hand. Each day, as our Lord picks you up from the ground, take advantage of it, embrace him with all your strength and lay your wearied head on his open breast so that you'll be carried away by the beating of his most loving heart."
- St. Josemaria Escriva, The Way #884
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